How many times have you joked about being OCD or ADD? My friends and I used to do it all the time especially when we’re talking and the conversation shifts randomly from one topic to the next…that’s OCD right? Or is it ADD? The reality is, it’s neither. OCD and ADD are real conditions and unfortunately, the common usage of these terms has made them punchlines in American culture.

About two years ago I was watching television and it dawned on me that one of my “normal” activities might in fact be abnormal. I count. Yeah I know…COOO COOO! but hear me out…

The reason why most people who truly have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) go undiagnosed is because either the person with the disorder is completely unaware of the intrusive behavior (me), they’re ashamed of it or they assume the disease is debilitating.

There are broadly two types of OCD folk…those whose lives are disrupted by the behavior and those who self-manage. When you think of the disruptive type, think of the folk you see on Oprah whose houses are filled with crap to the point that no one can enter or those people who have about 100 cats pissing, shitting and taking over their homes. For these people, their OCD manifests itself as hoarding. For others it might be hand-washing, touching or making things symmetrical. And for about 1% of the OCD population, there are counters…

I discovered this amazing student film that I’d like to share with you. It’s humorous, it’s detailed and after viewing it, I felt happy that I was able to find someone with a similar affliction and secondly, it made me want to determine/discover more.

So how does my OCD manifest itself? In many ways. But for the sake of time we’ll only deal with the one which doesn’t disrupt my life…my counting. Unlike Ms. Witt, I count the words, letters, syllables and the phrase itself in sentences until they are divisible by 5. It’s a simple as it sounds but as complex as my mind wants to make it. I won’t go into the depth of how my counting game works as the above video should give you an idea of how non-sensical it’d probably be to you anyway. The point is, I count and performing this ritual soothes me. It doesn’t keep me for engaging in “normal” activity but it does help me cope with stress.

I decided to share this with you all because in some ways, my non-counting OCD symptoms are debilitating. When I really sat and thought about it, I could remember counting as early as the 5th grade. I also gained about 40 pounds that school year. So now my quest is determining what happened to me in elementary school that caused this shift. Clearly it had to be something bad. Or was it bio-chemical?

Now with all that said, I don’t excessively wash my hands, I don’t have trouble leaving the house, I don’t hoard, have cats, dogs or any other critters but I do excessively think. I’ve been told by so many different people that “I think too much” or that I have a “unique” mind. I have an uncanny ability of thinking a problem through at “go,” I can see angles that others can’t and I can become so preoccupied with finding an answer that I will not move until I’ve discovered it. I thought this made me smart but I’m beginning to wonder if it is? Is my OCD debilitating without my even knowing it? Are there other ways in which it manifests itself? People with OCD are also usually depressed. Am I depressed?

Where some may not care and others may not understand, for me, OCD isn’t a punchline or something you attribute to a temporary obsession. It’s obviously been a life-long disorder and I dunno, maybe talking about it will help others, who like me, may be troubled in some ways and not even realize it.

This is just the start and hopefully some of you will join me on my OCD self-discovery…

SEW Video Synopsis: Sarah Elizabeth Witt struggles to convey a word game that caused her doctor to diagnose her as obsessive-compulsive.

2003 Honorable Mention-Carol North Schmuckler’s New Filmmaker’s Showcase 2004 Official Selection- New York Film and Video Festival

PS…One other way my OCD manifests itself is editing and reediting. I’m going to publish this now but guarantee that even though this took me about 3 hours to complete, I will read and edit it a few more times before I walk away from the PC and I only wish I could explain how although I would really like to get up right now, I’m never, ever done…I can’t…